An unexpected web

facing our demons

2020 has brought us a new elephant in the room: the F word. The word and corresponding emotion is dividing friends, families, politics and timelines. I have been known to brashly deny it, angrily push it away. I have been asked to explain why I thought I lived without it. Why I spoke with such confidence expressing my truth, as Truth.

I will admit that the energy and strength that it takes to maintain this posture has come at a price, so my headaches tell me, whilst my neck and shoulders carry the burden of a frustration that brings tears to my soul.

We must face our own fears, my friend Debbie posted this afternoon. The brief pang in my heart told me another truth: these times have amplified our deepest fears. For some it is the thought of losing a loved one or the fear of leaving life without having accomplished one’s dreams.

For others: dying alone.

It astonished me to realize that whilst insisting I am not living in fear, I am in fact, deeply distressed. I feel an intense fear of losing human connection. Of fearing each other’s hugs. Of never again being passionate and free together or dancing in wild crowds at a festival, in busy bars with loud music. Of giving up dreams of traveling to exotic locations. Of surrendering our most basic human rights and our freedom. Of being blinded by media manipulation. The fear for our children and of what they may live without.

My heart goes tender as I take in all the feels and realise that it doesn’t matter what we fear. No fear is grander than another, more paralysing or powerful. In fact, Fear itself connects us all in a web I have been missing for so long.

In her book Big Magic, Liz Gilbert asks Fear to take the back seat because it’s a terrible driver. We have a long road trip ahead and enjoying the journey has never been quite as challenging.

After years of striving to grow wiser, my hardest practice has only just begun.